The Amazing Piano Man?
by Mx4
Summary: Little did Peter Parker know, that when he went to the Avengers party, that he would soon become...the Piano Man! After a fashion anyway. Fairly decent songfic in my unbiased opinion , so check it out and let the mayhem commence!


A/N: I've seen nothing but disparagement about song-fics from most people. But, I figured if I could make one with interesting (or ridiculous) enough mental images, that might make up for the startling lack of creativity in regards to plot. So, here's an (unauthorized) Ultimate Spider-Man one-shot that I so desperately hoped to see made. Oh yeah, and I don't own any of the hereafter mentioned characters, scenes, bungled lyrics, movie references, embarrassingly OOC people, or completely out of place moments that will occur. Ye have been fairly warned…

No one was quite sure who had done it. Most of them wanted to blame Parker himself for not watching what he was ingesting closely enough. Others wanted to blame one of the Avengers (*cough* Tony Stark! *cough*) for thinking it would be a fun practical joke to play on one of the youngest non-mutants at the gathering. But in any case, it had all started when the innocent song "Piano Man" had started, the opening chords playing on the stereo. Why it was on the setlist at this gathering of superfolk was up for debate, but in any case...

Soon to be known to all assembled X-men, Avengers and other assorted teams in the Hero Business; Peter Parker a.k.a. the Amazing Spider-Man, had somehow gotten a bit (read: a startlingly high amount) of Stark's high class booze in his system. He'd heard the opening to Piano Man, and somewhere in his hazy mind, had decided it would be a good idea to shout to the large group: "Hey, everybody! It's the story of my life!!" And as the lyrics would begin, Peter began to sing over them, in an exaggeratedly (and a little too practiced sounding for anyone's taste), though decently done, impression of Billy Joel:

_Poor Peter Parker was pitiful,_

_Couldn't have been any shyer._

_All the girls still wouldn't notice him, even if his hair was on fire!_

As the brief piano interlude played, some eyebrows were raised, including one Steve Rogers, who had thought the young boy to have more dignity than this. A few however, such as Johnny Storm, were snickering at the image of the brown-haired teenager gracefully stumbling about. But soon, the oddness continued on.

_But then one day he went to that science lab,_

_That mutated spider came down._

_Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls and he's swinging all over town!_

As he sang along with the la-da-di-dah-das, Parker leapt onto the walls of the room, quickly out of reach of those who had moved subtly through the crowd in an effort to take him into the next room to maybe sleep it off and not quite embarrass himself so heartily. But he began to belt his little ditty out as soon as the lyrics were starting again, singing:

_Sling us a web; you're the Spider-Man!_

_Sling us a web tonight!_

_Cause we're all in the mood for a hero now, and there's evildoers to fight!_

As the harmonica joined in, he was quickly upon the ceiling, stumbling across it as though it were the boulevard and he a mere beachgoer with a bit too many plastic cups in his system instead of a barely legal, rapidly losing credibility hero-esque figure who thought it would be a good idea to mangle a classic song. But it wasn't to end there, the saga of 'Poor Peter Parker' went on, warbling into everyone's ears no matter how much they were averting their eyes in sympathetic embarrassment (Janet Pim) or laughing themselves off their feet while thanking heaven they weren't the ones crooning this (Luke Cage).

_Now Harry the rich kid's a friend of his_

_Who horned in on Mary-Jane._

_But to his great surprise, it seems she prefers guys who can kiss upside down in the rain!_

With that exclamation, he lowered himself on a web-line, pulling an unsuspecting Susan Storm into a passionate kiss that made Reed Richards and Johnny Storm both drop their glasses and their jaws in pure shock. The famed Invisible Woman didn't even have time to truly react other than a widening of the eyes (was that his tongue dancing in her mouth?!) before the brunette her brother was such a big fan of released her lips and pulled himself to the ceiling, wailing out the next part of his little impromptu musical number:

"_With great power comes great responsibility,"_

_That's the catchphrase of old Uncle Ben;_

_If you missed it don't worry, I'll say the line:_

_Again and again and again._

The la-da-di-di-dahs continued, Reed now attempting to catch the wall crawler, Johnny torn between laughing himself unconscious and joining his in all but name brother-in-law in hunting his best friend while Susan…well, she hadn't quite moved yet. In fact, she hadn't even managed to unwiden her eyes or even acknowledge the outside world yet. Stark of course was lapping all of this up like a cat with a giant scratching post made of catnip, while most others were unsure of whether to cry or laugh (those who felt like crying weren't sure how to feel about Peter's casual treatment of the traumatic experience that made him what he was) and in some cases ended up doing both at the same time.

_Now Norman's a billionaire scientist,_

_Who never had time for his son._

_But then something went screwy, _

_And before you knew he was trying to kill everyone!_

This brought a huge frown to the S.H.E.I.L.D. personal (hero and otherwise) who'd had to deal with the rampages of the Osborn family and clean up afterward. Though the fact that he was drunk and made such an odd picture, singing away while still dodging Reed's enraged (though slightly futile) efforts at hitting him did help to make up for it somewhat in a few of their minds.

_And he's jumpin' around like a crazy guy!_

_And he's throwin' those weird firebombs!_

_Yes, he's using that dumb Halloween mask,_

_But he's scarier without it on!_

That managed to get a snicker out of the few people who had interacted with Osborn or who had a macabre sense of humor and could remember all of those characteristics even now (there was a surprising bit of overlap between the two) as Peter leapt out of Reed Richard's (extensive) range to land on one of the windows, now holding an imaginary microphone in front of him. This proved too much for both Iceman and Shadowcat alike, who literally collapsed on the floor, clutching their stomachs in a useless attempt to slow the laughter that was escaping them like a deadly gas leak.

_Sling us a web; you're the Spider-Man._

_Sling us a web tonight._

'_Cause you're brave and you're strong and so limber now,_

_But where'd you come up with those tights?_

That got quite a few more laughs and smiles alike, even from a just now recovering Stark, who could distinctly remember asking the vastly entertaining boy the same thing on at least one occasion. This also proved to be the tipping point for Johnny Storm, who remembered that being one of the first things he'd asked Peter in order to prove he really was Spider-Man (this was New York after all). He fell onto the ground laughing, rolling like a little kid on a sugar high, unable to control himself even as he tried to feebly stand back up.

_It's a pretty sad day at the funeral,_

_Harry Osborn has bitten the dust._

_And I heard Jonah said he wants Spider-Man dead,_

_Ah, but little boy Pete he can trust!_

Not too many of the assembled understood what he was referring too with someone named Jonah wanting him dead. Fury smirked however, appreciating how even drunk, Peter could taste the irony of his own situation and make fun of it. Carol Danvers raised both her eyebrows at this, looking to her superior for instructions. Fury gave her a small shake of his head, his smile indicating why he wished for Peter to continue. He owed him for the various punches over the years that the arrogant teenager had seen fit to visit on his face. Karma did work in mysterious ways after all. It was a lesson he would be sure to impress on the Spider later (with full video coverage included).

_Oh, and M.J. is quite hot for Peter now!_

_Aw, but Peter, he just shuts her down!_

_Mary Jane, don't you cry, you can give it a try_

_again when a sequel comes round._

That sequence made Kitty Pryde crack up even harder, her face hurting from such forceful and uncontrollable laughing. Reed had resumed his attempts on Peter's life by now, with the full force of…well, no one since the others were too busy laughing now to really help him out. But still, he had to try! Even if Susan was still off in daydream world. And was starting to drool a little bit due to not closing her mouth. Plus, that blush spreading across her nose and cheeks could not be good. But as he came closer, the song appeared to be ending as Peter took on a slightly more serious tone when singing the rest of it.

_Sling us a web; you're the Spider-Man._

_Sling us a web tonight._

'_Cause we all sure could use us a hero now,_

_And we think that you'll do alright._

As the last notes played, Peter stood straight up on the window before collapsing on top of Jessica Drew, nearly crushing her beneath his weight. As Reed got closer through the crowd, he heard a fantastic amount of snoring coming from the audacious web-head. And in a nearby corner there stood a gruff, normally surly man who went simply by the name of Logan a.k.a. Wolverine of the X-men. He wiped a tear of mirth from his eye before turning to the large metal Russian next to him, before quietly saying: "And to think, I almost didn't come to this thing."

Fin

A/N: That's all I got folks. Love it or hate it, ya gotta admit it's certainly…well, different from what one would normally expect of Ultimate Spider-Man. Though whether that's a good thing or a bad thing I have yet to learn. So, either let me know, or don't and simply let it sit. Don't really care. Oh, and in case you were wondering; the song used was "Ode to a Superhero" by Weird Al Yankovic (with a few lyric changes obviously). Until next time t-wait. Oh, come on. Isn't there one Stan Lee doesn't own? Guess not…


End file.
